Reviews of Adoption Is A Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know

Johnston says that for ease, she writes her book as if addressing grandparents, but her suggestions apply to any relative or friend who is concerned about the adopting parents. She includes notes on how you may feel if you were adopted or were an adoptive parent yourself. She tells grandparents and relatives that discipline techniques that worked well for their own children may not be the same as those being used by the adoptive parents, on the advice of professionals who have advised them about attachment based on the age and history of their child.

This is a thorough resource. It is more complete than When Friends and Family Ask about Adoption, which I’ve reviewed here although When Friends and Family Ask is shorter and would perhaps be more likely to be read by others. It is, however, focused on domestic adoption of infants who are born to young, single mothers. Adoption is a Family Affair covers many types of adoption, many situations of birthparents, and diverse adoptive families.

snipped from a much longer review on Pam Connell’s ongoing blog on
Families.com

______________________________________________________________

My daughter Mary Kelly is in the process of adopting a baby girl (or twins or two siblings) from Guatemala. We are very excited, and the anticipation is wonderful. But the adoption can take anywhere from a year to 18 months. To keep herself sane, Mary Kelly has been reading everything she can about adoptions, Guatemala, and single parenthood. Naturally, she has passed these books on to me. In case there are interested people out there, I wanted to share some of the books in this column.

…The very best of all the adoption books I have read is Adoption is a Family Affair by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It is subtitled What Relatives and Friends Must Know, and it answers all those questions that pop into our heads.

It also warns us against some questions we shouldn’t ask! And then there are some very funny questions. One adoptive family in Alabama says that their child is Latina, and people often wonder if she will have an accent when she begins talking. Yes, she will: an Alabama accent! I have actually had people ask me if Mary Kelly’s child will speak Mayan or Spanish. Trust me, babies between 3 and 6 months of age don’t speak either language.”

reviewed by Martha D. Bone, “The Constant Reader”
Maysville (KY) Ledger Independent, November 16, 2005

Tired of foolish comments about adoption from your family and friends?If so, Adoption is a Family Affair by Pat Johnston was designed for you. This introduction to the pitfalls, misconceptions, and issues around adoption is intended to be a basic “Adoption 101″ for
your parents or for anyone else new to the idea of adoption. As prospective adoptive parents immerse themselves in the adoption process, they may not have time or patience to explain their new way of thinking and findings to their parents or friends. Sometimes it just feels too overwhelming to correct all of society’s common assumptions and
misapprehensions. Pat’s emphatic no-nonsense style can be a useful tool toward opening a dialog about these issues which are inherent in adoptive families in our society. Adoption is a Family Affair provides a basic education on the psychological aspects of adoption and the adoption process. It starts right off with common fears about adoption, e.g., Will
it last?, What is open adoption?, What if our grandchildren look different than we do? Readers learn about the adoption process from point of preparing for your adoption, through the homestudy and paperchase, the agony of “the wait”, and the arrival and settling in of your child. A number of important topics for your family are addressed, such as the private nature of your child’s personal history, how spending time with grandchildren facilitates deeper bonds, and including adopted grandchildren in inheritance decisions. Post adoption topics include racism, school issues, and learning about your child’s culture. Adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents who are coping with “adoptism” (that is, the belief that adoption is a second best way to be a family)
will find Adoption is a Family Affair a useful resource.Allison Martin,
Adoption Book Review Newsletter

Don’t you wish that there was an easy way to explain the how’s and why’s of adoption to your parents and the other members of your family? Adoption Is a Family Affair will make them feel like they’ve sat down with a close friend to have a coffee klatsch about adoption. This book’s coversational tone and wealth of information will turn them into adoption experts!Nebraska Children’s Home Society

This is a great book covering the basics of adoption. It focuses heavily on discounting myths and misconceptions, and presenting clear explanations of often confusing concepts and practices. A wonderful book for those from whom we need support and encouragement.Adoption@About.com’s Top Five Books About Adoption

Adoption Is A Family Affair! What Relatives And Friends Must Know is specifically written to correct commonl held myths and misconceptions about adoption and adopters. One example is the wide spread myth that people often conceive after adopting because they then “relax”and things just happen naturally. The truth is that only 5% of those who adopt will spontaneously conceive after adopting — the same percentage figure as for those infertile couples who do not adopt! Adoption Is A
Family Affair! is very highly recommended reading for prospective adopters, and for their friends and family as well!

Midwest Book Review/Internet BookWatch, July, 2001

From Adoptive Families Association of British Columbia’s focusmag@bcadoption.com, a June 2001 review by Sheryl Salloum.When individuals begin planning to adopt a child, their friends and family often worry as to whether the decision is a good one. That fear reflects a lack of knowledge of the adoption process. In Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know (Perspectives Press, Inc., 2001), Patricia Irwin Johnston addresses those concerns so that children who are new to a family will be welcomed with enthusiasm. As
Johnston points out, “Everybody in the family has some learning to do.” Whether their reactions are initially negative or positive, Johnston contends that her book will provide “accurate facts about adoption,” and will help families and friends “to embrace the
gains . . . that will come with adoption.”

Johnston explains who can adopt, how children understand adoption as they mature, open versus confidential adoptions, and domestic and international adoptions. Special needs placements, ways to help when the child arrives, the depression or “blues” some adoptive parents will experience, and issues that the child and family will have to deal with, depending on the age of the child, are also discussed.

This book is a treasure-trove of practical information. For example, during the waiting period loved ones are unsure how often they should make inquiries. Johnston counsels that being direct is often the best tact. She suggests saying to the expectant parents, “We’re eager to know everythingyou’re willing or able to tell us. . . . We understand, though, that a lot about this process is unpredictable, and we don’t want to upset
you by asking too often. . . . How can we best get the updates we’d like to have without burdening you?”

Johnston also fully explains the concept of being “pregnant by adoption.” She warns not to “push and shove” but suggests that there are ways of supporting prospective parents: “A
psychological pregnancy should . . .involve the adopters’ circle of family and friends in the rituals common to preparing for a baby–nursery preparation, layette gathering, baby showers.” Just as important, parents-to-be should be physically prepared for their new roles. Johnston advises that “an adoptive pregnancy should involve a regular exercise
program that includes strengthening exercises for the lower back, arms, and legs.” To show their support, relatives and friends might offer the gift of a health club membership to the expectant parents. Johnston also suggests that stocking a freezer with food, or giving gifts such as a month’s laundry service or house cleaning, will all be very helpful.
Instead of waiting to be asked about special items such as heirloom rockers, cradles, and baptismal dresses, Johnston says “offer it immediately to demonstrate your recognition that this child will be a real member of the family.”

At the end of every section, Johnston recommends books and websites pertinent to specific topics. The final pages, titled “How You Can Learn More,” list books, newsletters, and magazines for those interested in “continuing education.”

Johnston’s message is simple and clear: “Would-be adopters love you–their families [and friends]–and want you to share their joy as they build a family. They know that it’s hard for you to understand something you’ve not experienced before. . . . With this book they are hoping that you’ll get the facts, learn what you need to know, and deal with your fears and reservations so that you can embrace their decision wholeheartedly and make the leap of faith that they have made into a whole new world.”

Return to homepage