Bringing Your International Adoptee Home

Considerations for the New Arrival and the Children Already in the Family Before and During the Move

The following article has been excerpted from Chapter 6, Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Helping Children Navigate Relationships when New Kids Join the Family.

It is so exciting to finally find a child to join your family by adoption! You and the children you already parent-the typically-developing children-can hardly wait to meet the new brother or sister, son or daughter. This pre-placement period is the time to lay the foundation upon which family members will forge strong bonds.

The information put forth, in this article, is designed to help parents, the prospective adoptee and the brothers and sisters-to-be begin to facilitate positive interactions. The suggestions that follow recognize that each family is unique. Family members may select those ideas-traveling together or not, and pre-trip and during the trip-which seem best suited to the particular needs of the family. The recommendations offer ways for each member of the family to participate in the process.

Considering Family Travel

Suggestions for moving a child via intercountry adoption need to take into account whether or not the family is traveling to the child’s homeland, and whether or not they will be traveling with the children already present in the family. In some instances, country policies may prohibit taking resident children. In cases where the siblings may go, parents must decide who will go on the trip based on their resources and their knowledge of their typically-developing children. Pros and cons that may be weighed in this decision-making process include these:

Pros for Parents and Siblings Traveling to the Homeland

Experiencing the country gives a deeper understanding of what the adoptee’s life was like prior to the adoption. In particular, visiting the child’s orphanage makes clear the day-to-day living differences between such group life and family life. Parents, brothers and sisters can begin to see the type of work ahead in teaching the newcomer how to learn to be a family member.
Experiencing the child’s culture contributes to raising the child in a culturally competent manner. As your family will be different from those around you, you can experience first-hand the type of cultural issues you and all of your children may experience once you become a transcultural family.
If you are traveling as part of a group, you and your resident children have the opportunity to form relationships with other families. These relationships may become a source of support post-placement.
You will have the opportunity to take photos and video that will prove invaluable to your prospective adoptee as he or she matures.
You will be more involved in the adoption process.
You may experience culture shock. You may begin to feel uncomfortable or out of place in a country where nothing is familiar. This is positive, as it will evolve into empathy for the new arrival. He will likely have similar feelings once you bring him home to his new country.
Older siblings may benefit from the travel to a foreign country. Certainly, there is learning value in experiencing the rich diversities the world has to offer.
Older siblings may prove helpful. They can carry luggage, get diapers, fix bottles and keep you company.
Younger children, who lack a sense of time, may experience less separation anxiety if they accompany you on the trip.
If your family already includes a child from overseas, depending on his age, the experience of returning to his homeland or visiting the country you have opted to adopt from this time around may be of great benefit. This is especially true if the child was too young at the time of the adoption to have memories of his own adoption process. Seeing another adoption take place fills in many of the pieces explaining how he joined the family. This may also raise many questions or lead to an expression of grief for the loss of his country of origin, his birth family or his orphanage mates. While comforting a grieving child is difficult for parents, active, healing grieving leads to healthy emotional well-being.

Cons for Parents and Siblings Traveling to the Homeland

Completing an international adoption may be quite expensive. The family’s resources may prohibit taking the children already in the family.
Travel advisories for your chosen country may prove unfavorable. The U.S. Department of State-www.state.gov-posts travel advisories.
Parents and children alike may be affected by jet lag and time changes. If you are taking your birth and/or previously adopted children, especially those that are younger, you may want to arrive in the country a day or two early. This will provide some opportunity to adjust prior to initiating the steps necessary to bring your new child home.
The flight is long and the trip may be long-longer if delays occur-and children may become affected by culture shock and by having access to limited activities.
There are children who will have adverse reactions to an orphanage setting. The reality of children living without parents may be overwhelming to children with more sensitive temperaments. Parents need to think about the entirety of the trip. Depending on the adequacy and availability of child care, children who may suffer emotionally to seeing an orphanage may be best left at home with a caring relative or family friend.
If the process is demanding or the prospective adoptee experiences difficulties, families must determine if adequate time can be made available for the children along on the trip.

Pre-Trip Suggestions

Considerations in this area need to include preparing siblings for the addition of a child-younger or older-to the family, preparing for the trip abroad or preparing for the separation from the parents. Here are some pre-trip activity ideas from which to choose.

Borrow a Child the Age of the Child you Plan to Adopt

Anyone who has parented an infant or toddler is aware of the amount of time required! Typically-developing children who have not had the experience of sharing their parents with a young child are often blind-sided by the parental time consumed by a little one. Parents can offer some preparation for the changes about to occur because of the addition of a baby or toddler.

If you know someone who is parenting a child a bit younger or the same age as the child you plan to adopt, offer to babysit. This will be helpful only if you do so on several occasions. As you care for this youngster, point out the tasks it involves. “Oh my, it’s time to the change the baby again.” Or, “The baby needs another bottle.” Each time the baby or toddler returns to his or her parents have discussions with the children you already parent. Of course, caring for a young child who has resided in a healthy family environment will be different from caring for the institutionalized infant. Yet, your resident children will at least gain an understanding that their new brother or sister will require sharing Mom and Dad’s time-perhaps much time!

A number of wonderful children’s books exist to help present the changes incurred when a family adds a younger sibling. Two excellent titles are A Pocket Full of Kisses by Audrey Penn and The Lapsnatcher by Coville. Both portray the negative and positive aspects of a young child joining the family from the perspective of an older sibling. Both convey that parents have enough love for all of the children they parent. Many children fear that, “Mom and Dad spend more time with my little brother because they love him more.” We want to convey, “We spend more time with your sister because we have to do things for her that you can do by yourself.” We want to give the children already in the family this message in as many ways as is possible.

Preparing for the New Brother or Sister

Once you have an idea of the age of the child or children who will be joining your family there will be tasks to do such as shopping and tending to setting up a bedroom. Include the children you already parent in these activities to the maximum degree possible. That is, do not carry out all of the preparations while they are at school. Brothers and sisters want to help, and involvement in the process makes them more invested in the arrival of their new sibling. While shopping, let your resident children pick out a few items for their sibling-to-be. Help them sort through packed away clothing and toys that they have outgrown and select items that will be useful for the new child. If old enough, let your children help assemble the crib or bed and other furniture.

If the addition of a new child to the family means that one of your typically-developing children will have to share his bedroom, help him make a space just for himself. This should be a space that is off limits to the new sibling. It could be a foot locker for items of special importance or it could mean cleaning out a corner of the den. Assure the child that he will be able to maintain some of the privacy he is accustomed to.

This above recommendation is especially important if the new arrival is a school-age or older child. The prospective adoptee who has resided in an orphanage setting long-term may have no ideas about boundaries. The concept of asking permission prior to using or taking things belonging to others is likely a concept with which the older institutionalized child is unfamiliar.

Chapter 3 of Brothers and Sisters in Adoption covers various “safety” related issues. International adoptees may have experienced sexual abuse while in residence in an orphanage. Believing that sexual activity is “normal”, the new arrival may display sexual behavior toward parents and siblings. Parents want to ensure that they have a plan in place to handle this behavior if it occurs. Parents also want to understand that most children who have been sexually abused do not go on to be life-long sexual perpetrators. The large majority of children who have experienced sexual abuse will never engage in or will learn to stop sexual interactions with other children. Once they move into a healthy family, they frequently conclude, or they are taught by healthy adults, that engaging in sexual activity with one’s siblings, other children or adults is improper.

Parents also need to understand that many adoptees do not possess skills in accord with their chronological age. The school-age sibling-to-be may not have the social skills to engage with toys and games designed for his actual age. Parents may want to keep purchases in this area to a minimum until the social and emotional age of the son or daughter-to-be can be determined.

Daily Reminders

Parents who will be away can leave the siblings left at home a daily gesture to ensure that these children do not feel that they are forgotten. These daily reminders can include cards, notes or small gifts. Provide a memento for each day you anticipate being gone. Leave a few extra in case of delays. Hallmark makes a lovely series of post-it note books. The titles all start with the phrase “Stuck on You.” There is Stuck on You Love Notes, Stuck on You Laugh Notes and Stuck on You-Warm, Witty, Wonderful You! Each book contains 100 notes. Kids just love these!

Another suggestion comes from the children’s book, Seeds of Love: For Brothers and Sisters of International Adoption by Mary Eberjer Petertyl and Jill Chambers. In this book, a mom and her daughter plant seeds. Mom tells her daughter that she and Dad will return home when the seeds begin to sprout. Their resident daughter places a daily sticker on the calendar to count down the days until her parents’ and new sister’s homecoming. This is a lovely story to read with children over and over.

Children also benefit when parents leave them in charge of an item with sentimental value. One mom gave her 12-year-old daughter a quilt to use for the duration of Mom’s trip abroad. The quilt had been handmade by the mother’s mother. It helped this young adolescent feel as if her mother was with her every day. Whatever you select-a locket with your photo or a key ring with the family photo that is attached to the child’s backpack, etc.-mementos and daily reminders lessen the impact of your absence.

Where Will I Stay?

Children of all ages want to know where they will be staying during the time you will be away. Preferably, the child can remain at home and Grandma and Grandpa, an aunt or a trusted family friend can come to your home for the duration of your trip away from your children. In this manner, they can continue school and their extra curricula activities with little to no interruption. Maintaining a routine lessens the impact of the life-altering transition for your resident children.

Of course this may not be possible and alternative arrangements will have to suffice. In these cases, go over what the children may expect in their temporary quarters. For example, “I talked to Janie’s mom and she is going to be able to get you to your soccer games while we are away. So, if there are any changes in your soccer schedule, you’ll be talking to Janie’s mom. I wrote her phone number down for you.” Lay out all areas that are covered and by whom they are to be covered. Larger families may need to separate their typically-developing children among more than one temporary caregiver. Make arrangements for them to communicate in your absence.

Older adolescents and young adult children might be able to stay at home with a trusted adult on call or looking in on them from time to time. Even they will miss you! Freeze some of their favorite meals and leave the cooking instructions. They will appreciate this thoughtfulness.

Leave a camera with the children at home. Encourage them to take photos of all the things they do while you are away. Reviewing these photos will make a great way to re-connect when you return home.

Plans to Prevent “I’m Bored” Syndrome

All parents have heard, “I’m bored” at one time or another. (Actually, parents have probably heard this more times than they want to think about!) If you are taking siblings-to-be with you, it will be particularly important to investigate your accommodations abroad. What amenities are available? What activities can your children take with them for on the plane and while in the country? It is also important to think about how much you can pack. Veteran parents who have traveled abroad with their children are a great resource when it comes to helping you decide what to take and what will be available in the adoptee’s homeland. Especially search out parents who have traveled in the six months prior to your own trip. These families will have the most up-to-date information for the area and facilities in which you will be staying.

Make Plans to Establish a Post-Placement Routine

Pre-placement is the time to realize that the institutionalized child-of any age-is used to operating on a routine. Likely, these children are also used to a smaller world. They aren’t leaving the orphanage on a frequent basis.

Prior to your trip abroad, consider the dynamics of establishing a routine for the newly-arrived child. In what ways can you eliminate some responsibilities for a few weeks or months post-placement? Who can you count on to take the children you already parent to their after school activities? Do not be afraid to ask for what you need from friends and family members. If you know that your friends or family are planning a shower, speak up. Let them know that gift cards to restaurants that deliver would be appreciated. A gift certificate for a cleaning service over the first months with your new adoptee would be of great benefit. Alleviating yourself of duties that others can carry out and making arrangements to take as lengthy an absence from work (or providing a stay-at-home parent) will allow you time to get acquainted with your new son or daughter. It will also give you time to stay connected with the children already in the family. In any event, one-on-one time with each of your children is more important than a few dust bunnies under the bed!

Suggestions for During the Trip

Recommendations in this area focus on gathering the child’s history, reducing the abruptness of the transition for the child who is moving and taking care of the siblings, whether they are with you or at home.

Photos, Videotape and Audiotape

Photos and video of the child’s actual living quarters, caregivers and friends are important! The child needs to know where he came from and who was there. Photos of Red Square and St. Basil Cathedral, The Great Wall and
Forbidden City, or a Mayan temple are nice, but they are not accurate representations of the child’s experience in his homeland. The child needs as many (or more) photos of the orphanage as he does the well-known places of his country of origin.

There are cases in which the family is unable to tour the orphanage. In these cases, take photos of what is available-the outside of the orphanage, the grounds, the room in which you spend time with the child, the other children, the staff, the director, your interpreter and so on. Take ample pictures! As children mature, they will want to know where they lived, who took care of them and who helped you adopt them. If you are close to the child’s birth home town, make the drive! The child’s birth parents are not going to recognize you. If you remain worried that they will identify the child, one parent can make the trip while the other cares for the child in the city where you are staying. Take photos of yourselves and your family at the orphanage. If you are not in the photos, young children often have difficulty connecting to the fact that you were actually at the orphanage. Children forget names over time. This often causes sad feelings. Gather the names of the children and adults you are photographing. This is especially important if the child had a special connection to a particular caregiver or an orphanage mate. Photograph the airports, the people who meet you at the airport, your hotel or apartment-take ample photos of each aspect of the trip!

Video is wonderful as well, and it records the sounds. Make it a priority to keep the video and photos safe during the trip and after arriving home. Video serves another purpose. Video footage can help your adoption medical professionals assess the child’s motor skills, obvious medical/congenital problems, severe malnutrition and other risk factors.

Audio taping is another consideration. One family recorded an orphanage caregiver singing a lullaby to their son while they were at the orphanage. This, combined with about thirty minutes of the normal sounds of the orphanage, allowed this child to fall asleep more easily in his new home.

Once home, photograph the “new” family. The visual depiction of the change that has occurred in the family helps everyone begin to adjust.

Stay in Touch with Those at Home

Using email wherever you can find capabilities, send as many photos and videos home as you can. The brothers and sisters are eagerly waiting to see their new sibling!

Likely, those at home will want to talk to their mom and dad as well! Call as often as possible. Investigate the cost of international phone calls in advance. Budget this expense into your journey to your child’s homeland. The children at home want and need to talk to you as frequently as possible.

Keep a Journal

Children love to hear the story of how you got them; they love to hear it over and over! Keep a journal of the sights, sounds, people, food, your reaction to being in a different country, what it was like meeting your child the first time-simply everything you can think to include. A journal in any medium-written, audio or video-will do. This will be a gift to the adoptee of immeasurable value. In the event you experience culture shock, this will be a good exercise for you to process the thoughts and feelings of this experience.

Accommodate the Sensory Needs of the Child Who Is Moving

Infants and young children are very sensitive to sensory experiences, so when their possessions and their world change dramatically they can be harmed emotionally. The family has options to offset the impact of moving young children. Make special efforts to carry out this suggestion. It is so important to the transition of the child into your family.

The family could ask ahead of time if the orphanage is amenable to an exchange of sheets and/or clothing. If so, the family would provide new sheets and outfits for those currently being utilized by the child who is moving to your family. They may not smell good to you, but they will certainly comfort your newcomer. Resist washing them for several days. Wait until the child has had a chance to become accustomed to your scent and then you can go ahead and begin to remove these orphanage items. Keep them! Kids love having these belongings.

If it is not possible to keep some clothing and linens from your child’s orphanage or foster home, investigate sending ahead, or at least bring with you some type of transitional object-a blanket, a stuffed animal, a small toy. See if you can leave it in the child’s crib. Be aware that sometimes such gifts disappear; however, it is important to make the effort. Let the child keep this object throughout the trip and at home.

Keep in mind that older children will also be experiencing sensory changes. Many school-age adoptees report that the first car ride they remember was with the adoptive family. The toilet flushing, a hair dryer, the flash of a camera, the smell of new foods, the taste of juice, soda pop and water-all of these will be stimulating to a child who has had limited experiences outside of the orphanage.

If feasible, families may want to consider staying in a family setting rather than in a hotel. This provides a realistic glance at what any child, but particularly an older child, will experience upon changing countries. In a family setting, you would have to attempt to communicate, determine what you are eating, learn the family customs and routine, and try to understand social cues and emotional expression. Parents, brothers and sisters would gain a depth of understanding of what the sibling-to-be will feel like upon moving to their home.

Closure with Significant Adults and Orphanage Mates

The feelings of the institutional staff regarding children being adopted varies along a continuum. I have seen video of orphanage staff providing a good-bye party for children leaving with their new families. I have seen video of the staff being indifferent to the child departing. In other snippets, the staff is tearful and hugging the children. The same seems to hold true for orphanage mates. Parents who have the opportunity to visit the orphanage may size up their child’s connections to peers and adults. If a closing ceremony seems to be necessary, see what arrangements can be made. If there are any willing adults, have them share stories of their experiences with the child. Record these memories. Children love to hear stories about themselves.

Additionally, if the adults are approving of the move, write down these positive sentiments. It is of great benefit to children to know they were cared about and that their move to the adoptive family was supported. Share photos of the event with the orphanage friends and the adults. The child can be provided with parting gifts to give to friends and caregivers. Allow time for final hugs and good-byes. Hopefully, your interpreter can attend the event in case anyone-peers or adults-have questions about what is happening. It would be great for you to know what is being said to the child in the process of leaving the orphanage. You are now the child’s historian.

Plan Time with the Child Who Came Along

The day-to-day activities may make for a busy trip, although some families report that there was much down time. In any event, ensure that you devote time each day to the child or children making the trip with you. Even if you are busy, a few minutes goes a long way towards validating the typically-developing child’s feelings about being in a foreign country and sharing his or her parents with a new sibling.

Expect Regression

The children you already parent may regress while traveling with you or post-placement. This is completely normal, especially if they are young. A parent’s first instinct is to respond by stating, “Honey, act your age!” Regression is a way for children to express the stress of a change in life. So, allow the regression. Usually this passes on its own. However, it is always a good idea to increase parental time with the child who has regressed.

Implementing as many of the above suggestions as possible will ensure that the process of bringing the new child home gets off to a positive start. A vast array of post-trip ideas and ways to facilitate attachment, among all family members, over the long-term are included throughout Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Helping Children Navigate Relationships when New Kids join the Family.

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