Attaching in Adoption: Reviews

A three year old girl wanders off at a street fair and approaches
strangers for hugs, instead of looking back for her mother… A six year
old boy recently adopted from Russia breaks every toy he touches… A five
year old girl anxiously attempts to stay close to her mother, crying "Mom,
Mom, Mom, Mom" every time she leaves the room… Another five year
old girl falls apart at bedtime each night, as she seems to relive the
drama of her early abandonment in a Chinese orphanage. These children, and
their families, are coping with attachment issues. And now there is a
remarkable new book to help them.

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray provides a comprehensive
and knowledgeable overview of the causes, diagnosis and treatment of
attachment issues of adopted children. Gray is an experienced family
therapist and clinical social worker who specializes in grief, trauma and
attachment. Her unique blend of empathy and practical advice makes this an
excellent resource for anyone who has questions about bonding and
attachment. Most adoptive parents will learn something from this book -
about their children and about themselves.

Gray defines attachment as an enduring family relationship that is
formed over time and with shared experience. Of crucial importance to
adoptive families, Gray reminds us that the loss of an attachment figure
is a cause for a lengthy and painful grief. Other tragic events - such as
traumatic loss, severe deprivation, abuse - can impede a healthy
attachment process. However, as children attach securely, they learn that
they are lovable, that they can trust their parents, and that others will
help them with their needs.

Attaching in Adoption is an essential resource for parents who
are adopting older children, for adoptive and foster parents who are
raising children at risk or with attachment issues, and for adoptive
parents who find they have questions about attachment as their children
adopted as infants grow up. Gray describes the consequential behavior
problems related to attachment or loss issues, with discussion of how
these may occur in your family life. Her key points are well illustrated
with poignant vignettes of children and families struggling or resolving
attachment issues. Guidance is provided to help families work through
problems of out of control behavior, poor self esteem, fear, grief, etc..
A brief discussion of the special needs which may coexist or may be
mistaken as attachment disorders are also addressed, an important
component for anyone unraveling behavior issues.

When should you be concerned with severe attachment issues? Gray
explains that parents should expect children under 4 years of age to show
significant attachment within a year. For older children, attachment
should form within two years after arrival. While factors like trauma,
multiple placements, severe abuse, early neglect or cultural change can
stretch out this time, progress should occur in two years. She counsels
patience for parents who are waiting for their children to love them, but
says sympathetically that is is one of the hardest challenges. Gray
provides a great variety of techniques and examples of ways to encourage
this growth. She doesn’t sugar coat the problems, but neither does she
present this as an insurmountable issue for which no improvement can be
expected.

Although Attaching in Adoption provides much needed discussion
and advice for the hard core attachment problems, it also covers a wide
spectrum of attachment and bonding issues. Gray describes the normal
developmental attachment stages, barriers to attachment, and ways to
encourage bonding. Her book helps to clarify the boundaries between a
healthy relationship and a problematic one. Many adoptive families will
find Attaching in Adoption to be both reassuring and educational.

In sum, Attaching in Adoption is a invaluable resource for
adoptive parents, and professionals, who are looking for information on
the attachment process in adoptive families

Allison Martin , editor, Comeunity Adoption Book Revew
Newsletter

Gray, a clinical social worker specializing in attachment, grief and
trauma, has penned a comprehensive guidebook for adoptive parents, taking
an in-depth look at how children and families adjust. The author notes
that many of today’s adoptions involve older children who may have been
abused or neglected, or who may have spent years in insitutions or various
foster situations; due to their past experiences these children may have
difficulty attaching to their adoptive parents. Explaining that attachment
forms the template for future adult relationships, Gray stresses how
important it is for adoptive parents to be patient in forging this new
bond. She advises creating a high structure/high nurture environement for
the child, and instructs parents to find out about their child’s
background. The book covers many issues, including cross-cultural and
interracial adoption, religious concerns and other complications for
attaching, such as ADHD and learning disabilities. Gray also includes a
detailed exploration of developmental delays common in kids who have been
adopted later in life. While the book is densely written, it will
nevertheless be invaluable for adoptive parents. Gray compassionately
helps readers form realistic expectations, while offering a myriad of
suggestions for families and children striving to form lasting, loving
relationships.

Publisher’s Weekly, 4/15/2002

Attaching In Adoption: Practical Tools For Today’s Parents by
attachment therapist Deborah Gray is a solid, practical, informational
resource and reference for adoptive parents, particularly those who must
help a young child adapt and cope with trauma, grief, or anxiety. Filled
with examples, case studies, research, and useful advice, Attaching in
Adoption is an excellent primer for adoptive or would-be adoptive
parents and a highly recommended addition to adoption agency and community
library collections.

Midwest Book Review, April 2002

From Adoptive Families magazine’s March/April 2002 issue…

I have no idea what percentage of a personality is determined by genes.
I don’t even know what a percentage of a personality is. But if there’s
anything I can do to load the dice of fate in my child’s favor, I’ll
do it. Most adoptive parents feel the same. Attaching in Adoption:
Practical Tools for Today’s Parents is for us.

I wish this book had been around a decade ago, when my husband and I
first started thinking about adoption. I wish it had been around when we
brought our daughter home two years later. And I wish it had been around
when our daughter was 21 months old and the babysitter quit and a new one
started and our forlorn, frantic child screamed all day, every day, for a
week.

How we searched Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton, Richard Ferber, and
all the other illustrious names in the childrearing literature! Their
advice, while sometimes helpful, didn’t quite fit. What we needed was
a Deborah D. Gray to set out–in straightforward, unthreatening
language–practical tips for responding to the challenges all adopted
children face when they leave one home (their birth parents’, their
foster family’s, or their orphanage) and enter another. Our child’s
adjustment was relatively easy. But if we’d known more, it could have
been even easier.

Attaching in Adoption covers the full range of attachment
challenges–from the transitory to the traumatic and from infancy to
adulthood. Gray’s approach is positive, practical and realistic,
providing age-specific advice with clear explanations of developmental
stages for adopted children and checklists to help parents assess how
their child is doing at each stage. The best part, for those of us who
adopted before this book was published, is that it’s never too late
to learn. For those struggling with serious attachment disorders, this
book could be a lifesaver. I agree with Nancy Thomas [the author of When
Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD] who wrote:
“This is the most comprehensive work on the subject I have ever
enjoyed reading. . . . My wish would be that every adoptive parent could
read this book before beginning the journey to adopt.”

Amy Klatzkin, editor of A Passage to the Heart:
Writings from Families with Children

from China (Yeong & Yeong, 1999) and AF book review editor.

This positive, but realistic book is an important resource for all
adoptive families, at any stage of pre and post-adoption. The information
on attachment challenges will allow prospective adoptive parents to
understand the possible issues of their new children. Those that have
adopted will be able to recognize some behaviors of their children and
learn methods of parenting that will help all to achieve success. As an
adoptive parent and adoption professional, I found the vignettes heart
warming and at other times, heart wrenching, but realistic and achievable
within a hectic family setting. The clear explanations of the phases
allows parents to easily measure where they are, where their children are
and how they can improve their parenting and health of the entire family.
Attaching in Adoption is also a valuable resource for
professionals who work with parents. It will assist them to help parents
to maneuver the sometimes-challenging path of adoptive parenting.
Deborah’s focus on the health of the family helps to normalize the
specialized skills and techniques taught.

Yolanda Comparan, M.S.W., Program Manager, Adoption
Resource Center Northwest Region (Seattle) Children’s Home Society of
Washington

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s
Parents is a brilliantly written and sensitive educational journey
into the developmental world of attachment. The book is a comprehensive
and clear depiction of the importance of attachment, the challenge faced
by parents’ adopting high risk children, and the negative effects of
trauma and grief on the development of a secure attachment. The book
reflects Ms. Gray’s depth of perception, understanding of child
development, empathy and attunement with the children and families she has
served in her therapeutic practice. Ms. Gray provides practical common
sense tools for parents that can support them in developing skills that
will enhance healthy relationships and connections with their children.
Ms. Gray is realistic and honest as she speaks to parents. She empowers
them to take charge in a nurturing way. She respects the importance of the
balance of nurture and structure. The chapters on building emotional
intelligence, forming a team of support, and suggestions of when and where
to seek professional help provide a hopefulness that there is a way out of
the darkness of emotional chaos into the light of safety and trust for
children suffering from attachment problems. Although Attaching in
Adoption is written primarily for parents, I would encourage my fellow
professionals to include this book on their "must read" list. It
will assist them in their overall understanding of attachment and in their
therapeutic work with adoptive parents and children.

Beverly Cuevas, L.C.S.W., A.C.S.W., Co-founder of
Attachment Center Northwest, Founding member and Board member of ATTACh,
Founding Board member of ADI (Attachment Disorder Institute)

This book is a must for adoptive parents, adoption
professionals and therapists. It stands out because Deborah writes with
tremendous empathy and a profound understanding of challenges faced by
children who have experienced trauma, attachment and neglect issues. It is
a valuable resource for all types of adoption, including infant adoption.
Adoptive parents will feel understood, supported and encouraged.
Professionals will find therapeutic techniques that promote attachment and
increase the likelihood of success during the course of therapy. Deborah
conveys a positive and hopeful outlook based on her extensive experience
in working with hurt children and their families. Throughout the book,
there are a multitude of practical suggestions for managing and
strengthening attachments. Her guidance is easily understood, each page
offering insight and useful tools for a wide array of situations. She
emphasizes the importance of working with skilled therapists and provides
guidelines on how to find them. Always respectful of the issues
surrounding the adoption experience, Deborah has produced a gem which
should become required reading.

Patricia Martinez Dorner, M.A., L.P.C., L.M.F.T.,
adoptive parent, adoption professional, co-author of Children of Open
Adoption, author of How To Open An Adoption-A Guide For Parents
And Birthparents of Minor Children; Talking To Your Child About
Adoption and Search: An Ethical Guide For Professionals

In Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s
Parents, Deborah Gray is able to translate into the written word the
same caring, compassion, and respect that she shows toward both child and
parent in her person to person contacts. In this book she returns again
and again to the importance of both nurturing and structure in working to
form close family relationships; the striking part is how well she is able
to provide both for parents in the writing of this book. She emotionally
nurtures parents while providing clear structure for them in creating a
family environment that will promote attachments. In identifying ways to
promote attachment, she follows a clear developmental approach,
recognizing the needs of children of varying ages and helping parents
identify how and where their child might be stuck in earlier stages of
development. This is a very important aspect of this work; what is
necessary at one stage may be inappropriate at another.

My favorite chapters of the book, however, are two of the
shorter ones. Both fill gaps in the adoption literature for parents. The
chapter on Trauma and Traumatic Loss translates the more recent
information on the physiologic and psychologic effects of trauma, as
reported in the professional literature, into material that parents can
understand and use in their day to day parenting. The second chapter that
I particularly like is the one on Building Emotional Intelligence. In this
section, Deborah again takes material from non-adoption sources and
translates it into very practical ideas for adoptive parents to use in
helping their child build and maintain healthy friendships. She identifies
the gaps that children may have in their skills and provides ideas for
remediation. As Deborah points out, "Skill in building and retaining
healthy friendships is highly correlated with future happiness in
life–much more so than are academic skills."

Although this book is primarily written for parents, most
professionals in the area of adoption will find a wealth of practical
ideas for helping parents be successful in building attachments with their
adopted children.

Vera I. Fahlberg, M.D., author of A Child’s
Journey through Placement

Deborah Gray has written an excellent book on parenting
adopted children who resist being parented. It is not a cookbook, but
rather a comprehensive book on parenting adopted children with attachment
problems. That is why it is excellent. Deborah does not take the easy road
of simply giving recommendations for various behavior problems. Instead
she takes the more arduous route of first trying to help parents
understand the meaning of their adopted child’s behaviors. After helping
parents to understand the reasons for their child’s behaviors, she then
gives them the tools for developing interventions that are most likely to
fit their unique child.

Deborah asks us to go beyond concluding that an adopted
child has Reactive Attachment Disorder because they manifest a list of
symptoms. She asks us first to also understand the impact of grieving and
trauma on a child’s functioning. She also asks us to know more about the
effects of anxiety, cultural changes, and various other diagnoses, such as
ADHD, FAE/FAS, and Learning Disorders. Most importantly, Deborah teaches
us about the seven stages of attachment, beginning at birth and extending
through adolescence, and she helps us to be aware of various interventions
that can facilitate development at each stage. Finally, she tells us about
emotional intelligence, its failure to develop following early abuse and
neglect, and the importance of understanding ways to facilitate it.

Deborah’s contribution to parenting adopted children with
attachment problems is substantial. It is based on understanding and
having empathy for the meaning behind a child’s symptoms, along with
effective, sensitive, and well-matched parental interventions. At the same
time, she addresses the necessity of parental self-care, if parents are to
persistently provide the quality of care that their adopted child
requires. After reading her book, many parents will feel certain that
Deborah understands their child and their family. These same parents will
also be likely to understand their child more deeply themselves, and at
the same time be able to develop the unique practical skills that
parenting their child requires.

Dan Hughes, Ph.D., author of Facilitating
Developmental Attachment and Building the Bonds of Attachment.

Deborah Gray’s work captures theory, practicality, and
sensitivity toward traumatized children-all in one book. Too many books
have only one of these components, and her integration of many important
facets of all three, comfortably leads the reader to a clear understanding
of how children are hurt and how families can help them heal. I will be
extremely comfortable recommending Attaching in Adoption to
parents and professionals. I also think that it is suitable for
adolescents to read. It would help them understand so many of their
issues-particularly around the entire birth family "web" and
issues of shame and self-blame. I like this book!

Gregory C. Keck, Ph.D., founder, Attachment and
Bonding Center of Ohio and co-author of Adopting the Hurt Child
and Parenting the Hurt Child

Attaching in Adoption is a valuable resource for
parents not only as they contemplate building their family through
adoption, but also as they travel their child’s emotionally challenged
path towards mental health and happiness. Deborah Gray has described
attachment and all of the skills and responses that relate to an
individual’s attachment style and degree of attachment, and she has done
so in a manner easily understood by non-professionals. The chapter on
developmental stages is an invaluable tool for parents to assess their
child’s emotional age and determine what tasks have yet to be mastered.
Parents who understand and implement the wisdom and methods described in
this book will certainly strengthen their families!

Nancy Spoolstra, D.V.M., adoptive and foster parent
and Executive Director of the (ADN) Attachment Disorder Network

This is the most comprehensive work on the subject I have
ever enjoyed reading. Deborah¹s incredible insight from her years of
experience with difficult kids shines through in this enlightening book.
No stone is left unturned in her effort to give a clear understanding of
attachment. This book will be a powerful tool to help families with their
children wounded by attachment breaks. My wish would be that every
adoptive parent could read this book before beginning the journey to
adopt.

Nancy Thomas, founder of Families by Design, parent
trainer, presenter, and author of When Love is Not Enough–A Guide to
Parenting Children with RAD.

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